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"None of those who have Hell before their eyes will fall into Hell. No one of those who despise Hell will escape Hell.... Nothing is so profitable as to converse concerning Hell. It renders our souls purer than any silver."  

~St. John Chrysostom~

BOOK

Fornication 

Dear Aaron,

             I see you are still struggling, and of course, I would be happy to provide you with more specific reasons as to why you should not have sex before you are married. Why they don’t teach this during Sunday School or Youth Group I’ll never know. I guess they don’t want to upset the parents, but won’t they be more upset if little Johnny comes home a parent himself?

Please understand, Aaron, that knowledge alone won’t get you through this. It will take above all the grace of God and any will power you may have remaining. Keep in mind that Solomon was the wisest man who ever lived, and yet he fell through sexual temptation and marrying women of other faiths. So remember that knowledge is important, but without the grace of God we would all fall.

          I think the best place to begin this discussion is where we began the one on homosexuality, and that involved the reasons for the existence of sex. Once we are clear as to why sex has been created, then we can look at your situation and see whether you would be fulfilling God’s creative purpose by engaging in it at this time.

            As I said in our discussion on homosexuality, there are two reasons for sex, the first of which is to create life. I think we can agree that as an unmarried college student you are not ready for that responsibility. So there is really no sense in discussing it any further. The other, if you remember, is to become one with your partner. Even though the process of becoming one begins the first time you have sex, it takes a lifetime to bring it to fulfillment. I think we all know that most sexual relationships at the college level are lucky to last a year. Since this is barely enough time to get to know each other, I don’t think it meets the criteria for becoming one.

            In passing, I guess I should mention that pleasure is not one of the reasons that sex has been created. In my opinion, if the sexual act were not pleasurable it would be a rather strange thing to do. Who would take the time and effort? Therefore it is pleasurable so we will do it frequently, create life, and become one. Pleasure may be a motivator, and is definitely an effect, but it is not one of the reasons for the existence of sex. So if we can agree that oneness and the creation of life are the reasons for sex, and that they are best accomplished in a committed lifelong relationship, then I think we can conclude that no sex outside of marriage, much less that done amongst college students, fulfills God’s creative purpose.

            The interesting thing to me is that the most common objection I hear from the heterosexual students at Penn State is the same one I hear from the homosexual students, and that is that they love one another. The problem is, when I ask them to define love for me, what I usually get in return is a somewhat incoherent response that finally ends with them complaining about how hard it is to put emotions and feelings into words. In essence, what they are doing is justifying a behavior using a word they cannot define. They may as well be saying, “Sex before marriage is good because of oogbla.”

            Just in case you may be having similar problems, let me define the word for you, and we’ll see if the actions you may be contemplating are consistent with the definition. I think a reasonable Christian definition of love, would be to act in another’s highest good, even if it would mean the sacrifice of one’s self. If you agree with this definition and the reasons for sex outlined above, ask yourself if it would be in your girlfriend’s best interest to have sex with you now or her husband later. I think the answer is obvious. If you agree, then I think it is equally as obvious that your motivation for having sex with her is born out of selfishness and lust, and not out of love.

            It seems as if you’ve made the classic mistake of confusing infatuation with love. Infatuation is when you meet someone and the skyrockets go off, and you think you’ve met the first goddess to ever walk the earth. You’ll write her name over and over in a notebook just to gaze upon it. You will stand outside in the pouring rain and not even care as long as she is with you. Even her faults endear her to you. Sound familiar?

            Don’t be mistaken, there is nothing wrong with any of this; in fact, it is necessary to initially attract you to somebody, but it is not yet love. At least it is not yet the type of love needed to justify sexual relations. True love comes when the infatuation wears off, her faults irritate you, and standing outside in the rain seems absurd, but in spite of all this you make the decision to stay with her, and act to her highest good for the rest of your life. I know this doesn’t sound very romantic, but it will get you through the hard times when romance will not.

All of the above being said, what I’d like to do now is to take a moment and go over something you are likely to hear from some of your less than Christian friends and dorm mates. One excuse I’ve heard from the guys at Penn State is that they want to have sex now, so that when they get married they will know how to satisfy their wives. Not only is this insulting to women, making them the scrub team upon whom the first team is practicing, but it is also a fundamental misunderstanding of sex.

Having sex is not just about using the body in various ways. Past experiences, moods, likes, dislikes, personality, and even the slightly different way each body reacts all comes into play. So what these guys need to learn is that having sex with their girlfriends today will not be the same as having sex with their wives later. The only way to learn to please your wife is to get married and have years of sexual relations with her. Far from getting boring, as some guys will tell you, practice as usual makes perfect. After a while you will know things about your mate and ways of pleasing her that you could have never known the first time. All things being equal, sex after thirty years will be deeper, richer, and more pleasurable than it ever could have been at the beginning.

The next bit of advice I usually save for women, but I’ll give it to you anyway, and if you can’t use it maybe you’ll run into a young lady some day who can. It’s not that it can’t apply to a guy, but it has to do with relationship, and my experience is that for most guys when it comes to sex, especially premarital sex, relationship is nice but not necessary. Guys tend to be more focused on accomplishing the act than furthering the relationship. Most women, on the other hand, need to at least believe that there is a real, loving, relationship involved when they are having sex.

The problem is, when you are a single girl, it is often hard to tell whether a guy loves you or just loves having sex with you. The only way I know of to find out for sure is for her to let him know that she will not be having any more sex until she is married. If she does this, remains strong, and sticks with it, one of two things will happen. He will either leave her, and in that case there was no reason for the two to be having sex to begin with, or he will stay and eventually marry her, and in that way prove his love for her in the best way he can.

            There are other reasons for not being sexually active before marriage such as the possibility of contracting a sexual disease, or running into a former sexual partner once you are married, which always goes over well with one’s spouse. Even having the assurance that you are the best sexual partner that your mate has ever had can make a world of difference in a marriage, but I think you get the point. There are simply no good reasons to engage in premarital sex, and many reasons not to.

What you and your friends need to decide is whether you are going to follow your head or your hormones: your mind or your passions. It is my belief that if we can control our appetite for sex and for food, then we can control all others, because they are the ones that scream at us the loudest. I’ll admit that I still struggle with these and with others, but I’ve made the decision to struggle, and if I fall, I’ve made the decision to get back up and continue on towards the goal.

Your decision on this issue could well affect the rest of your life. As I said earlier, I am praying for you, but the decision is yours. It is so important to understand that God will prod, encourage, and help you, but he will not take over your will. Please keep me informed, and do not be afraid to let me know what you decide. I’ll hang in there with you no matter what. 

Continuing to pray for you,

Uncle Greg